I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret. A facility with words may make writers sound confident and wise but most often we write about what we long for. Thus books on marriage often emerge from difficult marriages and books on prayer trace back to the authors’ frustrations with prayer. No one demonstrates this pattern better than Brennan Manning, a friend who died two weeks shy of his 79th birthday, which would have been today. Brennan piped a one-note tune, the melody of grace, and his own life both embodied and belied that theme.
When he got around to writing a memoir, Brennan titled it All Is Grace. I had agreed to write the foreword and behind the scenes the publisher wondered whether the memoir would ever get written. Brennan sank into a depression, gave in once more to his lifelong struggle with alcoholism, and suffered a broken shoulder and ribs from falls. Several times I got calls from people who had booked him to speak to a college or church audience. “We’ve heard he drinks a lot,” they said. “And that he makes up some of the stories he tells.”
Guilty on both counts. As revealed in his memoir, by age 18 Brennan was drinking a dozen beers every night to wash down lesser amounts of rye whiskey and Japanese sake, and he had relapses throughout his speaking career. He describes standing before an audience to impart spiritual wisdom just before checking himself into a motel and drinking himself into a stupor. After several days on a bender he would fly directly to his next speaking engagement. No wonder he sometimes made up stories—he had lost his grip on reality.
The memoir tells of a loveless, miserable childhood in a tough Irish Catholic family not far from New York City. From there Brennan joined the Marine Corps and, after a dramatic conversion experience, made a U-turn into the Franciscan priesthood. He served for a time as a campus minister at a college and seminary, joined the Little Brothers of Jesus in France where he worked as a mason’s assistant and dishwasher, spent six months in a desert cave in Spain, then returned to the U.S. to work with poor shrimp farmers and their families. After settling in New Orleans, he left the Franciscans in order to marry, a relationship that ended in divorce after 18 years, yet another consequence of his addiction to alcohol.
Brennan began speaking to mostly evangelical Protestant audiences since his status as an “inactive priest” made him unwelcome in many Catholic gatherings. A small,trim man with a head of snow-white hair, he would usually begin with this corny opening: “In the words of Francis of Assisi when he met Brother Dominic on the road to Umbria, ‘Hi.’” But then something akin to possession would take place and with a strong voice and the poetic rhythm of a rap artist he would begin a riff about the grace of God.
Why is Brennan Manning lovable in the eyes of God? Because on February 8th of 1956, in a shattering, life-changing experience, I committed my life to Jesus. Does God love me because ever since I was ordained a priest in 1963, I roamed the country and lately all over the world proclaiming the Good News of the gospel of grace? Does God love me because I tithe to the poor? Does he love me because back in New Orleans I work on skid row with alcoholics, addicts, and those who suffer with AIDS? Does God love me because I spend two hours every day in prayer? If I believe that stuff I’m a Pharisee! Then I feel I’m entitled to be comfortably close to Christ because of my good works. The gospel of grace says, “Brennan, you’re lovable for one reason only—because God loves you. Period.”
Rising in eloquence, he held audiences spellbound. One university chaplain told me that no speaker had ever had more impact on his fickle students than this aging, alcoholic failed-priest from New Jersey.
Brennan reminded me of the “whisky priest” in Graham Greene’s great novel, The Power and the Glory. Though we never learn the priest’s name, and he considers himself a failure, a fool who “loves all the wrong things,” at the end of the book we meet those who have been changed—transformed even—by his life and witness. You need only Google “Brennan Manning” to catch a glimpse of those likewise affected by him. They include celebrities like Bono, Rich Mullins, and Billy Graham’s grandson Tully Tchvidjian as well as ordinary “ragamuffins” who first encountered the truth of God’s love through a modern whisky priest.
“To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark,” Brennan wrote. “In admitting my shadow side, I learn who I am and what God’s grace means.” He joined an accountability group called “Notorious Sinners,” which had mixed success in holding him accountable. “In Love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve,” Brennan also wrote, in Abba’s Child. Those of us who loved him wished him not so wounded, because we knew the toll alcohol was taking on his liver and his mind. In the end he lost most of his eyesight, fell often, and became nearly catatonic.
Using his best Irish brogue, Brennan liked to tell the story of a priest in Ireland who, on a walking tour of a rural parish, saw an old peasant kneeling by the side of the road, praying. Impressed, the priest said to the man, “You must be very close to God.” The peasant looked up from his prayers, thought for a moment, and then smiled, “Yes, he’s very fond of me.” I think he told that story because he wanted so desperately to believe it. He more than anyone knew his flaws. He as much as anyone I know strove to serve God despite them. I wonder, though, if in his 78+ years on earth Brennan Manning truly felt the love of God he proclaimed so powerfully to others.
Happy Birthday, Brennan. Now, you know for sure whereof you spoke. | .. | 我要跟读者透露一个不可告人的小秘密：作家遣词用字，看起来胸有成竹，颇具见解，但是我们写的，通常是自己心向往之而不可及的题目。所以，论婚姻的书往往生自于困难的婚姻；论祷告的书可以追溯到作者对祷告的窘迫。没有人比我的朋友曼宁（Brennan Manning）更淋漓地流露出这一点。今天（4/27）应该是他七十九岁生日，不过他于两周前过世。曼宁的笔只吹奏一个单音符曲调－－恩典的音籁－－而他的一生体现，也辜负了这个题目。
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当他要写回忆录，书名取为《一切都是恩典》(All Is Grace)，我答应写推荐序，但出版社私下却怀疑能不能写得出来。曼宁的忧郁症复发，又落入一生都在奋战的酗酒问题，也摔坏了肩膀与肋骨。有好几次请他到大学或教会演讲的人打电话给我，说「我们听说他喝酒过量，而且讲的事情有些是捏造的。」
两项罪名都成立。正如他在回忆录所坦言，十八岁的时候就每晚喝上一打啤酒，再灌下比这个量少的威士忌跟清酒。他的演讲生涯中不时有失足再犯的时候。他写道自己如何对着一票听众传授灵性智慧，接着马上住到汽车旅馆喝到酩酊大醉。他也可以连续喝个几天，然后直接飞到下一个演讲地点。难怪他会捏造故事，因为他已经分不出是真实还是虚幻了。
回忆录也提到自己在纽约市的一个艰困的爱尔兰天主教家庭长大，那个没有爱，不堪回首的童年。他后来加入海军陆战队，体验到一次出奇的悔改经历之后，生命大转弯进了方济修会。有段时间他在大学或神学院作校牧；参加法国的「耶稣小兄弟会」（Little Brother of Jesus），作工匠的助手或是洗盘子；在西班牙的沙漠洞穴住了六个月；回到美国帮助捕虾工人与他们的家庭。在纽奥尔良定居后，他为了结婚离开方济会，但十八年后黯然离异，这也是酗酒无法自拔的另一下场。
曼宁的听众渐渐主要是新教福音派信徒，因为他是「不在任神父」，很多天主教的聚会场合不欢迎他。他身材瘦削矮小，一头花白的头发，演讲通常用下列很「俗」的开场白：
「我要套用圣法兰西斯往翁布里亚的路上遇见圣道明说的话，『嗨』。」但接下来听众如醉如痴，听他以响亮的声音与嘻哈歌手般的诗韵节奏，吟唱神的恩典颂歌。
「我曼宁为什么令神喜爱？
因为一九五六年二月八日，因着一次惊心动魄、改变生命的经历而经自己的生命献给耶稣；因为我打从一九六三年按立作神父，周游全国、全世界，宣讲恩典的好消息，所以上帝爱我吗？
我奉献什一给穷人，所以上帝爱我吗？
我当年在纽奥良的贫民窟，帮酗酒的、有毒瘾的、饱受爱滋折磨的人，所以上帝爱我吗？
我每天祷告两小时，所以上帝爱我吗？
如果我信这一套，我就是个法利赛人，因为我就会觉得因着某些善行，理当与基督亲密自如。
恩典的福音是说：『曼宁，你只因为一个理由值得爱－－因为上帝爱你…没有其他！』」
他声调愈趋昂扬，令全场听众为之入神着迷。有位校牧对我说，从没有一位讲员能够像这名从纽泽西来的酗酒、苍老、没作成神父的曼宁，给难以捉摸的学生带来那么大的冲击。
权力与荣耀曼宁让我想起小说家葛林的杰作《权力与荣耀》里的「威士忌神父」。我们固然永远不会知道他的名字，他自己也认为自己是个人生败将，是个「喜欢不该喜欢的东西」的笨蛋，但是小说结束之际，我们看见被他改变，甚至可以说被他的生命与见证转化的一群人。你若在Google上键入曼宁的英文名字Brennan Manning，能稍微体会哪些人曾受到他的春风化雨。其中包括波诺（Bono）、福音歌手理查．慕林思（Richard Mullins）、葛理翰的外孙查维进（Tully Tchvidjian）这些名人，以及平凡不起眼、「衣衫褴褛」的人。他们都从这位当代的威士忌神父，初次体验上帝的爱真确无比。
阿爸的孩子「靠恩典生活，就是要承认自己的整个生命，光明或是黑暗」曼宁写道。「坦承我的阴暗面，就发现自己的真貌，以及什么是上帝的恩典。」他生前加入一个叫作「恶名昭彰罪人」（Notorious Sinners）的当责团体，不过对于他当责的成效则不一。他在《阿爸的孩子》（Abba’s Child）也写道，「在爱的行伍，只有受伤的军人才能服役。」我们这些爱惜他的人都希望他不要受这么多伤，因为我们知道酒精对他的肝脏与头脑造成的损坏。最后，他几近失明，常常摔倒，可说是完全患了紧张性精神分裂症。
曼宁喜欢以他最动听的爱尔兰英文口音，讲一名爱尔兰神父的故事。神父有一天走路巡视乡间教区，看见一名老农夫跪在路边祷告。神父不禁刮目相看，对他说：「你跟上帝一定很亲近。」农夫抬起祷告的头，想了一会儿，微笑说：「没错，他很喜欢我。」我想他讲述这个故事，因为他极力想要相信这则故事。他比谁都清楚自己的瑕疵，虽然如此，还是竭尽服事上帝。只是我在想，在他七十八年多的地上岁月，可曾真正感受到他对别人铿然有力所宣讲的上帝的爱吗？
曼宁兄，生日快乐。现在，你知道自己在说什么了。 |
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